Death Visits Again...

Shortly after writing the last post Aunt K passed away, after years of illness and suffering. Her children-she counted me as one- and I kept vigil as her shrivelled body lay on the cold floor as is the custom in our community. There was intermittent rain the following day when the last rites took place. It poured again as I waited for my train the day after. Was it Aunt K weeping?

Aunt K Gets Married

Uncle K had come to see Aunt K while grandfather was ailing, but their marriage took place after he passed away. Uncle K came with a distant relative of his. I instantly liked Uncle K. He was a smiling, friendly guy. Aunt K was happy too. They were smiling all the time in the initial days of their marriage as far as I could remember. Who would have thought they'd end up fighting bitterly like enemies in the later years!

The wedding was in Guruvayoor as it was with most of the people in our family. I have only vague memories of the day. Aunt K was my constant childhood companion. She talked more with me than my mother, who I felt was lost in her thoughts in those days. I cried to go with her to her new home, but wasn't sent. On the day she came back to our house, she came with a huge tin of toffees for me. I took one and was enjoying it when I accidentally swallowed it. I felt that it got stuck in my throat. That was because my people used to frighten me with stories of children dying of choking from balloons and other stuff. I wailed out loud and it was quite a commotion later on. It took some time for everyone to realize nothing was really wrong.

Death in the Family

The first death I remember is that of my grandfather. He had a fall and was bedridden for months (or was it weeks?) He developed bedsores and was in great pain. He'd groan and scold his children at times. One early morning aunt R went to his room and found he was gone. By the time I woke up-perhaps I woke to the commotion- it was confirmed. Mother sat in one corner and wept silently. I was too young to connect to her sorrow, but I wailed out loud too.

Somebody from the neighboring house offered to take me there for breakfast, as people in the family wouldn't cook for the day. I refused. To me at that time the neighbor's house felt like it was across a continent. It was as if I was being taken away never to return to my home.

Grandfather lay there covered in white dhoti. His face was left uncovered for some time and all paid their respects. Later the men who assembled covered his face, tied his body to bamboo poles as was the custom and took him away for cremation. I was in great fear and avoided most of the sights.

The Dancer Girl

Was it Children's Day? There was this parade where my father was the chief guest and afterwards all went to the hall for the performances. First came the fairy girls to invoke the gods and goddesses, all clad in white and carrying tiny lamps. After the dance they came down the stage and sat next to me.

My rival looked beautiful in her white gown..faint fragrance of flowers enveloped us. Tiny droplets of water shone on her painted face like dewdrops . I wanted to touch them but she haughtily turned away.

The memory of those water drops on the painted face and the faint fragrance..that was the beginning of my fascination for dance.

Epiphany on a Rainy Morning

I woke to a rainy morning and found father cleaning the kerosene lanterns in the backyard. He looked up and smiled at me. I knew I was smiling in answer too. In that smile there was a oneness that went beyond innocence and wisdom. All of the cloud covered skies and the green smiled too.

A Taste of Hate

They were three girls in my class. One was a teacher's kid, so she was something of a VIP. I didn't know the word then, but somehow I could sense that she was more important than rest of the kids. I was one of the frontbenchers and sitting closeby, so wanted to be friends with them all. I don't know why they disliked me, made faces at me. Once we had a 'my dad's bigger than yours' contest. My rival said her dad was Karunakaran (incidentally K. Karunakaran was a minister in the Kerala Govt back then) and could send my dad to death by hanging. I had nothing to counter that- I was on the verge of tears. I'd always thought my dad was above it all.

On another occasion it was the term end tests, and I got fifty out of fifty. Rival got only 49 so it was her turn to wail out loud. All the teachers assembled around to console her. One hid the five on my slate and told her, see, she got zero. That made her feel better indeed. I hated it.

A Map of India

Sometime after I turned three my father got posted to a hilly place in Malabar- it couldn't be called a town at that time, nevertheless it was a district headquarter. The terrain was made of many small hillocks though it wasn't really a high altitude place. Our rented house in that place was also on a small hillock- one had to climb down to go to school and the like.

From the house, I could get a view of other taller hills and the valleys in between. On the side where we had to go down to the town, there was a huge playground and some Malabar Special Police barracks bordering it. I haven't got a clue how this got into my head, but over the years somehow I got to associate that playground with the map of India. Perhaps because both are rectangular, or maybe I got to see the tricolor hoisted there on special occasions. Our house was on the southwest, so where I sat was Kerala for me, and the other end of the western border became Kashmir. However I had placed Delhi mistakenly on the northeast side then, at a point where Kolkota should be.

Funny, the image of that rectangular piece of land and the MSP barracks still play on my mind when I think of India...